Today Sucked…

I don't think I've ever been this happy to have major dental surgery.

Yeah... I know how ridiculous that sounds.

If you'd asked me a month ago whether I'd ever say those words out loud, I probably would have laughed. But this morning I was genuinely looking forward to it. Not because I was excited about having teeth pulled or gums cut open or any of that fun stuff. I was looking forward to what I hoped would come afterward.

For years I've wondered how much of what my body has been dealing with might have started in my mouth. Maybe none of it. Maybe all of it. I have no idea. But today felt like we were finally removing one huge source of chronic infection and inflammation and giving my body a fighting chance. I wasn't expecting miracles. Well... maybe a tiny part of me was. 🤣 But mostly I was just excited to see what would happen over the next few weeks and months.

Actually... I don't think I realized just how much hope I'd wrapped up in today until things suddenly went sideways.

The last thing I remember before they started was feeling... peaceful. That's probably the best word for it. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't second-guessing myself. I trusted the team, I trusted the decision, and I remember thinking, "Okay, body... let's do this."

The next thing I knew, I was waking up.

You know how after anesthesia your brain is awake before it actually starts working? I remember hearing people talking, but I couldn't quite make sense of what they were saying. It was almost like listening to a conversation from the next room. Then one sentence finally cut through the fog.

They had stopped.

Not finished.

Stopped.

I don't even remember who said it. I just remember staring at them, trying to make that sentence fit with the one I'd already written in my head. That's not how today was supposed to go.

Apparently my heart had decided it wanted a little attention and started doing something they didn't like. They told me they were concerned it was heading toward atrial fibrillation and weren't willing to risk continuing.

And before anyone says it... yes, I know.

They absolutely made the right decision.

If I were sitting across from someone else telling me this exact story, I'd be saying the very same thing.

I'd still be disappointed for them, too.

By the time Jeff wheeled me through the front door, everything I'd managed to hold together at the dentist was starting to catch up with me. I just wanted to go to bed.

It wasn't because I was tired.

Well... maybe a little.

Mostly, I could feel the disappointment creeping in, and I know myself well enough to recognize when I need a few quiet minutes before I'm ready to face the world again. Besides, with half my face still completely numb, I wasn't exactly feeling my most charming self.

Jeff, being Jeff, never once tried to convince me that everything was okay. He knows better. Instead, every so often he'd quietly come in, sit beside me, and wrap me up in one of those hugs that only he can give.

You know the kind.

The ones that somehow make the world feel just a little less heavy without either one of you saying much of anything.

Eventually, I decided I was ready for a cup of coffee.

A few minutes later he came back carrying a warm mug, and I honestly don't know if it was the coffee itself or simply the normalcy of it that made me feel better. There is something incredibly comforting about holding a warm cup in your hands when your brain is trying to make sense of a day that went completely off script.

Of course... then I remembered one tiny little detail. The entire right side of my mouth was still numb.

Now, I don't know about you, but I suddenly became very curious whether I actually remembered how to drink coffee. I couldn't feel the cup touching half my mouth, which raised what I thought was a perfectly reasonable question.

Was I successfully drinking the coffee... or was I quietly sharing it with my shirt?

Every sip became its own little experiment.

I'd take a drink... pause for a second... then glance down to make sure my shirt wasn't becoming collateral damage.

Much to my complete surprise, I passed the test with flying colors.

Not one drop escaped.

I actually laughed out loud.

Not because drinking coffee is some great accomplishment, although under the circumstances I briefly considered adding it to my résumé. It was just such a ridiculously human moment. Here I was feeling disappointed that one of the biggest days of my year had been cut short, and somehow my brain decided to celebrate the fact that I still knew how to drink a cup of coffee.

Funny what our brains decide qualifies as a win. The coffee stayed in my mouth, the day went into the Fuckit Bucket, and as I sat there sipping what was left, I realized Mr. Finite had gotten awfully quiet.

He wasn't gone. He rarely disappears completely. He was just... watching. I know that look by now. It's the one that says, "See? This is exactly why getting your hopes up is dangerous."

Oddly enough, I didn't feel like arguing with him. Not because I thought he was right. He wasn't. But for the first time, I could actually see what he was trying to do. 

He's not trying to ruin my day. 

He's trying to protect me from it.

Unfortunately for him, protecting me from disappointment also means protecting me from hope... and that's simply not a trade I'm willing to make anymore.

Yes, today hurt.

I'm not pretending it didn't.

I had spent weeks looking forward to today because, in my mind, this wasn't just dental surgery. This was the beginning of giving my body the opportunity to stop fighting an invisible battle it's probably been fighting for years. I wanted to know what life might feel like once that burden was gone.

That hasn't changed.

The only thing that changed today was the timeline.

As I'm sitting here finishing this Messy Middle File, something just occurred to me.

My lip is back.

A couple of hours ago the entire right side of my face had apparently decided it was taking the afternoon off. Now it's back to work like nothing ever happened.

If only the rest of life worked that quickly.

The procedure still isn't finished, and I'm still disappointed today didn't unfold the way I'd imagined. But the more I think about it, the more I realize the story didn't actually end today. It simply paused in a place I wasn't expecting.

Which, now that I think about it... is pretty much the definition of the messy middle.

What about you?